#1
Random thoughts
Just when everything is under control something goes entirely wrong. Right now I don't know what is wrong... but I have a niggling feeling something is not right.
I really miss my baby and nothing can change that sad reality. I wonder how he's doing, what he's doing, where's he's doing it and who is there with him. Sometimes I get jealous of the very place he is. Why should he be THERE instead of HERE with ME!!!
About something being wrong, that's part of it. The other part is this 'limbo' I'm immersed in. My life has a huge question mark over it presently. I'm torn between working or going for my masters. If I choose the latter, I'm torn between going for a course in biology or arts. I want to be a writer, it is what I enjoy doing... I also want to put food on the table and give my family the best.
Maybe Mum is right in saying; do what you have to do till you no longer have to. She's told me about the sacrifices she and Dad had to make. If not we wouldn't have been able to give you the best. She said Dad wanted to be a writer too, but ended up a professor in engineering. Sometimes she makes it as if I'm chasing dreams. Like I'm being unrealistic. I should not let it drag me down. But times like that makes me re-evaluate my works and I start to feel disgusted by them. They appear trivial and frivolous and... well, mundane. And I begin to wonder how I can ever get established being the way I am.
I do not know where the future will take me but the decision is in my hands for sure. No matter what happens, I just don't want to be miserable. Having to motivate myself everyday doing something I absolutely detest. That is no way to live. I've walked down that road before during my first degree and it's depressing. I love challenges, don't get me wrong (self), but only when it's something I'm interested in.
You can't challenge me to master the intricacies of quantum mechanics because I don't give a fuck about it. But you can challenge me to the finer points of contemporary African writers compared with their African American counterpart and I'll foam in the mouth - or in this case hack away on my keyboard till all my fingers are arthritic and I have to soothe them with butter before I can knock on doors.
*sigh*
* I submitted three of my works in a competition. I almost missed the deadline. If I win - which is a long shot since I wasn't prepared - I'll get a scholarship to study creative writing in UK. Lets see how that goes. The offer completely caught me off guard. All I had were drafts. Except for my published story I was entirely unprepared. Shows I have to stop procrastinating and actually have a solid portfolio I can call upon whenever the need arises. As much as I love the pressures of last minute work, it sucks being caught with my pen down.
~GOAL: GET A SOLID PORTFOLIO OF FIVE SHORT STORIES BEFORE AUGUST 30TH 2007~
* Oh yeah, I submitted a short story on africanwriter.com. Am still waiting for it to appear. The moderator requested for a brief profile and due to my intense need for privacy I gave a general, rather vague overview... perhaps he wasn't satisfied. *sigh*... I'm not going to put my picture on there. No way! Wouldnt' want the whole world to know what I look like... I'm just not comfortable. If doing it is a compromise then I'm not ready for one. I have a blog and thats good enough for me.
When I'm ready, I'll be ready.
30.06.2007
